Lately I’ve talked with several women both in North America and India about the experience of weddings. Expectations are high on all parts. Brides are supposed to look and act perfectly, families are supposed to give the perfect gifts. Now, in North America, even, guests are not only expected to give gifts, they’re also often expected to book trips to tropical destinations or cruises at their expense for so-called “Destination Weddings.” It is such a big milestone for many, but at the same time I’m hearing so much about how stressful and costly it can be for all involved that I am honestly baffled as to why many people do it except out of a sense of family obligation.
I still remember the day I proposed to Sage. The story was like this. After knowing each other in person for about three months and having met online two months before that, we stopped at the library. (Some things about my life never change). I pulled in to the parking space, turned off the car and said:
“Sage, I have been thinking. Right now you’re not covered by health insurance. If you get sick or even break your arm we will go broke. If we were married you’d be covered by my health insurance. So why don’t we get married?”
Sage thought for a moment and with all of the emotion one reserves for talking about what we need to get at the grocery store, or a reminder that the cable bill is due responded: “OK, but I get a cat.” And then, we picked up the books we were to return to the library and went inside.
And that was it. It was decided. We had decided soon after we met, even before we met in person, that we would be together forever. Neither of us is religious so we didn’t feel we needed some divine blessing for that decision. All of the emotion and joy you might imagine being a part of a marriage proposal was in that conversation – one in which both our stomachs were filled with butterflies, our eyes with tears and our hearts with love. For us, marriage was matter of paperwork, only.
Of course there was a practical aspect to this and we had to figure out exactly how one goes about becoming married. As it turns out, it is relatively simple. First, oddly enough, we had to go to the doctor and have our blood tested. Though I don’t think it is the case anymore, at least in 1992 in Massachusetts, a syphilis test was required before permission to be married would be granted. Of course we both passed this test. This cost about $50 for both of us.
After that we headed to the town clerk’s office and filled out the marriage license paperwork. This cost about $35. Then, with the fees paid, we needed someone to perform the marriage. Sage called around to find a “Justice of the Peace”. In the US, they often are called upon to administer oaths of all sorts including marriage vows. Sage found a woman in her 60’s who lived nearby and set up the appointment. The woman asked Sage if we had any vows chosen and Sage said “No, whatever gets it done the fastest.” which, I think, on some level disappointed the Justice of the Peace – this was not the least bit romantic. “What kind of sad marriage was this going to be?” She may have thought.
Then the time came to call my family. I called them from work first thing in the morning – a time when I would find them to be most sober. Still, by 9:00 AM, they were likely 3-4 drinks in to their day. My dad picked up the phone and I gave him the news: “Dad, Sage and I are getting married next week.”
There was silence on the other side of the line for about thirty seconds as he processed this bit of information. And then the silence was broken: “Is she pregnant?”
Once I assured him that he was not going to be a grandfather for quite some time, I told him that they wouldn’t need to come. However, my brother would be invited to come and be the witness – one witness was required to make the wedding official.
That evening, Sage called all of her family and friends who were much happier about the news than my own parents. were. We both laughed a lot about how something that seemed of such little consequence to us – it was just paperwork after all – would make so many people so happy.
After all of the plans were made, we headed to the animal shelter to find a cat. I, being new to cats, gravitated toward the quietest, most boring of them all. Bill just sat there like a lump. That would be good. He could sit like a lump in our living room too. But then Sage asked me to come to see the one she was looking at. There was a very vocal, friendly cat who immediately came up to me begging for attention. This cat, Shelly, went home with us that day and would stay with us for the rest of her 18 year life.
Shelly was the closest thing we had to a traditional marriage practice and even that was a stretch. Sage doesn’t like jewellery so she would literally have laughed at an engagement ring – or just as likely been upset that I had spent so much money on what was, in her mind, simply a round piece of metal – a tiny keyring – with a rock glued to it. However, demonstrating my devotion by giving her a gift she liked was welcome.
After all of the plans were in place, the day finally came. We drove to an old bungalow in a suburban neighbourhood and rang the doorbell. A grey-haired woman came to the door and let me, Sage, and my brother in. We went in to her living room. Our vows took about a minute each. Though I can’t require a word of the vows she had provided us with, I remember us both being surprised that we teared up a little bit as we said them. It wasn’t so much that we were happy about being married so much as that at least part of the vows really resonated with our own feelings.
And then it was over. We were married. We talked a bit longer with the Justice of the Peace about her cats but then we had to go. We were hungry and it was almost lunchtime. We drove around until we found somewhere with a decent and inexpensive lunch and went there. And all told, once we added up paying for the blood test, marriage licence, Justice of the Peace, cat adoption fee, and even lunch for three, we had spent less than $200.
Our wedding had one guest who was mandatory. We received no gifts other than the happiness of Sage’s friends and relatives, and one shelter cat. The day itself was so insignificant that we generally don’t celebrate our anniversary. Neither of us knows the exact date we were married – we have to look it up on the certificate to be sure if any form requires it. Even now, as I asked Sage to help me confirm one of the details for this piece, she got the year wrong.
What matters to us is the commitment we made to each other soon after we met to spend the rest of our lives together. What matters is that as we made that commitment, we also understood that this would be a relationship of mutual love and respect. There was never a big ceremony, and we didn’t have to swear in front of our families or even a higher power that might later hold us accountable. We value each other so much that merely making that commitment to one another is enough. It was enough for us then, and it continues to be enough for us almost 27 years later.
Go Outside Today 
Lol! I love the kitty aspect to this. My ideal would be something in between this and the crazy splurge. Actually my first ex husband and I “eloped” to Vegas and I must admit it was fun and romantic. My second wedding was a drag. Not huge, but boring and stressful, plus I didn’t even get a real cake, which was the only thing I wanted. 🙁
RIght – I think sometimes we let tradition get in the way of enjoyment. This is the perfect opportunity for a couple to choose exactly what they need. And maybe it *is* a big experience with hundreds of people.
Damn – we forgot cake! If nothing else we should have had dessert at the restaurant. On the other hand, a cake might have increased our wedding costs by 10%! 😉
That’s actually a great story! And it makes sense, I would do that too. 😂
I’d be thrilled if my children took a similar path should they decide to marry!
I don’t regret my wedding day, but much of the day was about navigating what each side of the family wanted, rather than the bride and groom.
Exactly – I’ve heard so many stories of unnecessary drama. I agree – if our son were to do the same thing, I’d be thrilled. (Except he’s a year younger than I was when I was married and a year older than Sage was when she was married and now that seems so YOUNG! 😉 )
You both were so practical! Marriage is all about being committed to each other, so there is no need to follow any rituals, invite all the relatives & friends, or to spend money on wedding arrangements.
Wow! totally out of the blue…u both seem to be actually made for each other!! Hope others get inspired too… but I guess they can give them selves some allowances and splurge on themselves a little!
Yes – it really was out of the blue. Imagine, I didn’t even know who she was six months before!
And absolutely – I think doing what suits the couple is important, and if that is splurging, that’s great too.
Lovely story todd..
What a beautiful story! A living-walking minimalist attitude there. Just loved it. The love and commitment you had for one another was just enough. Rest all is noise! Picking up a cat from a shelter home is such a kind and extra special thing to do to mark the day.
Thank you so much! And you’re right – love and commitment were all we needed. Nearly everything else was simply paperwork. It is as if the government said: “Please document your love and commitment on this government form so we also can recognize it.”
Of course it is all very much dependent on the couple. Some will want to celebrate with friends and family (we didn’t have any friends there and were mostly estranged from nearby family), others will need to have a religious component based on their faith. But in the end, I think the best thing is to do what suits the couple. So often now, wedding cost and effort are going well beyond what the couple wants. I’ve known some who have spent so much on a wedding that they could have put a down payment on a house for the same price. To me that would seem so much more of a commitment to a shared future. But then we’re all different 🙂
Yes, to each his own. Personally, I also feel extravagant weddings are such a waste as it’s just an one day affair. Again there are people who do different things with all that money. Recently, I read about a couple who had a wedding like yours but used the money they had saved for their wedding in buying books and notebooks for underprivileged schools.
Wow – what a beautiful idea. I think I would rather have that than a dinner for 300 in a fancy hall, a DJ, and photographer with drones to capture everyone from every angle.
We had a very simple ceremony in a Quaker meeting with our three girls in attendance. Our only expenses were dresses for all, ground coffee, mints, nuts and a cake. The wonderful ladies at the church did the rest of the set up. It was a dry church which solved the problem with my family. They all left to get drunk somewhere else!
Brilliantly engineered! As people comment here I’m seeing how we could have improved our ceremony. Coffee and cake were missing.
“In lieu of gifts, the couple request that you add your favourite books to their list of holds at the local library.”
Were I doing it over today, the “Bachelor party” would be a 120 km bike ride with good food and coffee along the way.
I guess we missed a few opportunities there 🙂
I didn’t have a wedding. We went to city hall in USA. We had no relatives there.LOL
Aww!! I had the biggest smile on my face when Sage gave her one request of having a cat. 🙂 I can’t believe that you used to have to get tested before being approved for marriage. I never knew that ever happened! Your love story is such a beautiful one. It proves how real and true your love for each other is!!!
Wow! Lovely story😊
Infact, I loved it so much that I have shared it with my husband and a friend
Thank you so much! I’m really happy you enjoyed it.
Sounds like the perfect wedding to me!! And the best part of all is she got a cat!!! I love that. 27 years is amazing. I recently read about the adventure weddings and I wonder how do their friends that can’t afford to travel feel when they’re left behind? 😦
Thanks! It really was just right for us. We also didn’t have a honeymoon but someone seeing our trip now said that it looked like we were on or honeymoon now. I think it is true.
That’s awesome!
I have the dubious honour of having done things both ways, having been married twice. But when Rob and I decided to get married, there was an echo of what you and Sage went through: in our case, Rob was going to be transferred to work in France, and it wouldn’t have been easy for me to go along unless we were married. So after dragging my feet for a very long while (it’s not that I didn’t want to be with him, but the memories of a bitter divorce kept making me wonder if I really wanted to bother doing anything “official” a second time), that was the thing that made the decision. We got married at city hall, one of our witnesses forgot he was supposed to be there so our second witness (one of my uni profs) actually went back into the faculty and dragged out another student to come along. The JP was a little surprised that we didn’t have things like rings, but just went with the flow and it all worked out. Afterwords we splurged a bit and went to a really lovely restaurant that is no longer around, but that was about it. And a few weeks later, having packed up my apartment and put things into storage, we left for France. And just passed the 22 year mark in the marriage.
Oops – this got eaten by the spam filter. Not sure why. But in any case, so interesting! I never knew any of that. It’s very similar to us, you’re right. Sage also had similar reservations to yours – not because of a previous marriage (She was only 19 at the time!) but having seen other adults around her have their relationship go south soon after the marriage, there was a bit of superstition involved, I think.